I was thinking...
* I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those
cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or
purse. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door
opener.
* You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.
* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!
* I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is
'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just
too tired to bounce it.'
* I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age,
and call it "Pumping Rust."
* I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when
your chest is falling into your drawers!
* I was thinking, when people see a cat's litter box, they
always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to
say, "No, it's for company!"
* Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be
notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write,
"A Good Doctor!"
TEXAS PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town was a big old Pecan tree just inside
the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the
tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. So he jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me One for you,
one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's
see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable
to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.
A blonde woman was having financial troubles, so she decided to
kidnap a child for ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote a note. "I have
kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the
park at 7am. Signed, The Blonde." She pinned the note inside the
little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next
morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag
behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag
with the cash was a note: "Here is the money. I can't believe you'd
do this to a fellow blonde."
--
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
--
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
--
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
--
--
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
--
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
--
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
--
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
--
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
Isn't marriage great?
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Nowdon't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his Wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your Radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar Detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing Your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took It off when yo u pulled me over so that I could get my license out of My back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have Your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband Always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
Hosted By SparkleTags.com